I didn’t know how to write a succinct title that conveys “I hate traveling for work for the ostensible reason of team building but really it is just an excuse to make people use the office so that the managers look like they are doing something”. Surely there is a German word for this.

I’ll be flying the not-quite-as-friendly-skies-anymore to enjoin in such activities as “information sharing” and “breakout sessions” with bouts of “watercooler chat” in between. Then I’ll have pre-selected lunch and dinner with the same people whose various emanations I’ve been inhaling while sequestered in conference rooms. Afterwards, perhaps catching the last half of an episode of “Monk” in my hotel room before I fall asleep fitfully.

You may think that I detest my coworkers. That is only half true. Or more accurately, that is only true for half of them. Okay, yeah, I am being hyperbolic here. But honestly, I don’t think my relationship with them is going to improve if they can see my dead, vacuous eyes glaze over as they operate their mouth holes at me in person versus a Zoom session. Now this is a far cry from a situation where actually in-person work is needed; which I get, and that I am down for when the need arises. However, the cultivation of some kind of artificial work-based social circle is…weird. Oh, don’t get me wrong. I understand why companies [think they need to] do it. But as I see it, forming positive relationships at work is an optional value. It arises naturally from healthy boundaries, not contractual obligation.

My other problem with this trip: it supposes there is something wrong with ideas not formed in the same breatheable airspace. Chances are if I think an idea is dumb 1000 miles away, I’m going to to think it is at least dumb or even dumber 5 feet away, whilst smelling the originator’s farts. Conversely, if I think an idea is great from a distance, seeing your imbecilic face probably won’t change that. Maybe even a litte against its favor. I tried to be more positive with this last part, as I’ve been told I can be a bit of a asshole.

I have failed.

But tomorrow I will fly across the country, sitting uncomfortably next to strangers, hoping Bernoulli won’t fail the aircraft. Then engage in small talk and later try to convince people that I am knowledgeable with my…big talk? Is that the opposite of small talk? See? Can you imagine having a conversation with me?

I am so awkward. Maybe that’s the heart of it.

Postscript

After the first day, I was bedridden in my hotel room with some kind of illness. I did make an appearance on the last day in order to keep up appearances. But it was generally a horrible experience, albeit for different reasons than I had expected.